Posts Tagged ‘relationships’


Why is it the old and familiar is what we go back to, even when we know there is better out there?

I’m sitting at my desk at work this morning, on hold, cradling the phone receiver on my shoulder, trying to multi-task, when I think “can’t believe I’m cradling this big, old bulky phone receiver.” Then I smile at the nice old comfortable feeling of it.

First thing to know is that if you aren’t over 40 you probably won’t appreciate the ‘nice old comfortable feeling’ part.
But I became aware of the weight, the size and the way it fit my ear so well. Such are the thoughts when I’m on hold.

I know today it’s all about the sleek, thin, light weight cell phone. But for some reason I felt a certain kinship with this old relic that you only rarely see, typically in offices. And I started to think of the things in life we hold on to because they are familiar, comfortable and don’t require us to learn something new or refigure them into our lives…clothing/styles, cars, a multitude of technology thingy magiggies…and people.

How many relationships do we keep because it’s ‘just easier’. We know they don’t function well, or at all, or are horribly dysfunctional, but we keep them. They present known, understood challenges vs. all new challenges. We don’t have to face moving forward to unknown new relationships when we just hang on, and on, and on.

All relationships of length present challenges I know, but those challenges should be balanced with rewards. When we stay in relationships that are not only empty, but sap our emotional strength and deplete our resolve to evolve, then aren’t we creating more work than we’re avoiding?

Fear is a powerful barrier to change.


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I was talking with a colleague at work today, a woman who is in her early sixties. She has been divorced and single now for 16 years, an attractive woman. She recently met a man, mid sixties, through a friend of hers who lives in another state. They have now gotten together three times for several days to a week. She was sitting in my office like a 20 year old talking all about their scheduled visits for the rest of the year! This woman is a professor so she’s no flighty person. She’s typically pretty serious and I have to work hard to get her to loosen up. Now all of a sudden she moves from tearful to giggly and has facial expressions I’ve never seen on her. I think I am enjoying watching this metamorphosis as much as she is experiencing it, probably more as it is also causing some consternation in her. I told her today, as wonderful as it is being in love, NOTHING compares to falling in love. There is a reason it’s called ‘falling’, like free falling from a cliff. It’s not called floating in love, or gliding in love…no, it is flat out falling in love. It feels uncontrolled, fast, and terrifying. But it’s the exhilarating part that hooks us and makes us forget everything else. How can it be both terrifying and feel so safe, with the right person, all at once. My advice, especially after you are in the years where you have clearly learned who you are, is JUMP! Don’t wait to fall. Jump in, splash around, cause a ruckus and immerse yourself in the sheer high of it. Don’t stick a toe in and ease in and out, just jump in. Sure, it may not work out perfectly, but don’t miss the opportunity to relish the intoxication of it for fear of the unknown. I’m not advocating taking it lightly, just the opposite, but when you know you are feeling that magic, go with it. Too much of life is missed because we want to be in control of it more than we want to experience it.
Wishing you delicious peace and love!

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I remember as a child there was a game we played.  You would be given an ‘identity’; police officer, flight attendant, president…etc., of course back then the identities were all largely gender biased, but that’s another story.  Then you would give clues and everyone else had to guess what your identity was.  You would try to give truthful, yet confusing clues to keep people off base from figuring you out, or at least too quickly.  The point was to hide your identify as long as possible while others tried to figure you out.
Isn’t that what we still do as adults, either intentionally or subconsciously?  Stories today have come at me that made me think more about this.  One of traumatic proportions with so many people coming forward who knew the ‘Boston Bombers’ in total shock, at least about the younger one.  Terms used to describe him on the news by friends/acquaintances such as “walking angel, good kid, just like the rest of us, friendly, engaging, caring”.  Understandably the statement has then been said by many “I guess I didn’t really know him”.
Then from a totally different perspective today,  on a personal level, a fellow blogger wrote on how he “Shocked the World” with the announcement of his engagement. Shock the World.  He talks about being in his mid-40s and people never expecting this.
So I ask you, who ‘knows’ you?  Do you even know yourself? I earlier wrote a blog titled “Misgivings of Motivation” that just touched on this, how we often are not in touch with our true selves.
We go through our days, our lives, our relationships, portraying who we want to be, who we want to be known as.  We are so often fearful of the person we’ve created and the person inside are not able to mesh that we work to keep them separated.  Then before we know how it happened we have backed ourselves into an identity corner, closely guarded for fear of discovery.
What is the risk of transparency? When do we learn not to disclose our true selves? Who teaches us that?  I know most people think they are transparent, that they do ‘live out-loud’.  But really?  Ask yourself how many people really understand your fears that you barely recognize yourself as existing.
I know everyone I work with sees me as a super confident, assertive,  humorous, intelligent individual.  Do I see myself as that way?  Sometimes absolutely.  Do I know there is another part of me that few know? Hell yes! Why?  What do I risk if others know that part?
What do you risk?  More questions than answers quite often, but answers start with questions. So start asking, you may be surprise what you find!
Wishing you Peace in your discovery!

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I have tried Face Book, I have ‘looked into’ tweeting, I txt regularly, my cell phone is always nearby…and yet I realize that even all that dims by comparison with most of a younger generation that depends on being over connected, and that this has replaced to a great deal true intimacy in relationships. The thought seems to be quantity, not quality, in connecting with others. Because we are able to have such rapid and frequent communications we have lost, to some degree, the long chats, the lingering phone calls, the letters written with purpose and thought. Communication has become rapid fire, to the point, and ironically, disconnected from the purpose we communicate….to find intimacy, to enrich intimacy and to sustain intimacy. And therefore we enter onto the cycle of increasing our rapid fire communication out of our fear of being disconnected. We have become over connected and under intimate. ~Peace~

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